Jokes For Theeee

MODERN MATHS - How man is different from Donkeys

2008-06-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Therefore,Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words, Human that don't enjoy = Donkey that work

Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words, Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend
Therefore, Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys

To Conclude from Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)
And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have...Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend
money

Therefore...from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Venus and Mars ---- Very apart

2008-05-28T02:48:00.000-07:00

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her. :P

Family Problems .............................

2008-05-28T02:42:00.000-07:00

Good Jokes and PJs

2008-04-10T21:43:00.001-07:00

1
Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, fogot laughter were called "Saints"
But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2
An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:
" If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my galfriend has fallen off"

3.
Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..
Its just that, One loves too much,
and
The other loves too many,

4.
Employee: Boss, Now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!

5.
Philosophy of life
At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6.
What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach When pages of your book still smell new
and
Just few hours left for your exams..!

7.
Jus4Fun
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot
answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8.
Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!

9
After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an opening for you..!
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

10
A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employee...
..... Leave them to us

Power of Punctuation.....

2008-04-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

2008-04-02T03:50:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

INDIAN BRAIN

2008-02-12T02:26:00.000-08:00

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook. Then I sell him medium fishhook. Then I sell him large fishhook. Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."

Taare Zameen Pe ------ Software Engineer Zameen Pe

2008-01-23T21:25:00.001-08:00

Software Engineer Zameen Pe......Every Engineer is special!!!!!

*Main kabhi batlaata nahi ,*
*Par coding se darta hoon main PM*
*Yun to main, dikhlata nahi,*
*Par Bench par jana chahta hoon main PM*
*Aapko sab hai pata,hai na PM*
*Aapko sab hai pata, mere PM*
*Issues mein yun na chhodo mujhe,*
*Ghar laut kar bhi jaa na paun PM*
*Bhejte kyun nahi Onsite Mujhko aap,*
*Yaad bhi aapko aa na paun PM,*
*Kya itna dumb hoon main PM,*
*Kya itna dumb mere PM*
*Jab bhi kabhi Onsite mujhe,*
*Dher saari kaam deta hai*
*Meri nazar Dhoondhe aapko*
*Sochu yunhi aap aakar work distribute karoge PM*
*Unse main yeh kehta nahi,*
*Par testing se pak jata hoon PM*
*Chehre pe aane deta nahi,*
*Company chhod kar bhaag jana chahta hoon PM*
*Aapko sab hai pata,hai na PM*
*Aapko sab hai pata, mere PM*

Why do a few men never get girl-friends: :-)

2008-01-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

The oft repeated topic. It seems to be a mystery until you really start thinking. One of my personal favorites. Why some men can never fall in love or never get girl friends. Many of us just keep complaining, without thinking on what the inherent problem is.
Thankfully, I did it as a case study and found out some important issues which might concur with a majority of ppl who are rocking the same boat as mine.

1) You always sit in the last bench with the other class comrades who feel that its possible to get marks sitting in last row. In case of workplace, no girls are there in your project and you have like minded ppl like you as colleagues and wherein your entertainment oscillates between the bars and cinema theaters.

2) You obviously cant groove and dance, and dance around in a group in a disc by just shaking your head or grooving your hip. Desi music directors are your favorites. You cant wait for a bangra number to crop up. Unfortunately, you are too adept at dancing dappankuthu or desi dance, not the americanised western hip hop dance.

3) You perceive discotheque to be a place where you will have a chance to unleash your dancing potential (dappankuthu) and occupy the center stage with 10 other fellow rogues, immediately throwing out the babes from the vicinity of the dance floor. This automatically repels the women from you (they consider you as out of civilization. But, unfortunately we think that we are the only ppl who can really dance)

4) Your Intelliegence quotient mostly can take in just Jackie Chan, Arnold and Stallone flicks. It can take in just action films whose contents can be absorbed. You just can't take any English Romance films. Desi romance rocks. We invariably are the DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hai Kaun types. Shahrukh, Rajni, Kamal, Mohanlal, Mammotty, Chiranjeevi rock. Tom Cruise is a dud!!! and invariably ***...(obv..its becoz of jealousy)

5) You cant eat Spanish, Chinese foods and your fav restaurant invariably happens to be Saravana Bhavan, Anandha Bhavan, Shanthi-Sagar types. Of coz we cant forget Karpagam Mess, Mami's kadai and Murugan Idly. We frankly are clueless as to what are Bella Ciao, Wang's kitchen and things like that, unless we happen to go an a treat organised by the other guyz.

6) You dont see a reason why you have to go to Barristas or Qwiky's when the local corner "Nair Kadai Chaaya" tastes like nectar and satisfies you more than a Barristas. Lime tea is the best tea to have been invented by an human and you are thankful to nair for providing it to you.

7) Most of the jokes you know are adult jokes which you can discuss only with your other fellow comrades and which again takes the oppurtunity from telling a joke to the girl and impressing her. But when you seriously tell very good jokes, the blondes can't comprehend. You have to tell some absolutely "Kadi jokes" (terrible bores) to make them laugh, which you try however, will never come close to.

8) You obviously dont know how to make use of Yahoo Messenger, and you use it to scold your online friends with the best choice of invectives, spread rumours abt other guyz, and ask them to book the latest movie tickets. You unfortunately dont know how to flirt using Yahoo Messenger and are frequently at loss of topics when you want to chat with some girl. Whereas you are deluged with strange topics to discuss with your friend with whom you had lost touch for the past decade or so.

9) While chatting in messenger, you seriously cant start a topic with a member of the oppoisite sex. I have seen guyz chatting with girls purely with emoticons for more than a hour. You can never do that. You will have to crack real dumb jokes to start the conversation or falsely extol them. And bet, you can't do the following:

Boy : What did you have for breakfast??
Girl : I had idli ....
Boy: Is it??? Same pinch, no back pinch, I too had idli. (he slyly pinches her) and laughs.
Girl : Ouchhh (artificially). It hurts.
Boy: Ohh.. I am sorry and (tries to apologise).............then says "I had sambhar for idli."
Girl: (excitedly)..Sambharrrrrrrr............ i had chutney....and giggles...

10) You cant sing a Bryan Adams, Sting, George Michael's song. When someone talks about Linking Park, you cannot even imagine who they are and the closest link you can associate with them is Cubbon Park.

11) You seriously are clueless as to what rock music is.

12) All through college life, you belong to this boyz gang and even in your gang, nobody has a girlfriend. So there is absolutely an absence of the inspirational factor.

With ALL these attributes, it is difficult for guyz like us to fall in love or find a girl. But it is not a sin after all. I guess we are not made for it. We are one among the few in the vanishing tribe. Let us accept that and be proud of that...

We have THE uniqueness that we remain single till we get married and having that trait is really a virtue and who knows, we might be the elite clique in the future.

So all those of you who feel sad that they dont have Gf's, just chill!!! We are not made for it and I swear that for our characteristics, a GF would not have added any value addition and we are better off staying single till 28 or 30. :-).

Why i fired my secretary.. -- awesome

2008-01-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...

Letter to god

2008-01-02T22:12:00.001-08:00

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.

The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those people deducted Rs.30 in taxes ... "

Lost in Translation

2008-01-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

Some common English sayings and their direct translation to Hindi !

Have a nice day ! --------------------- Achcha din lo !
What's up ? --------------------------- Uppar kya hai ?
You're kidding ! ------------------------ Tum bachcha bana rahe ho !
Don't kid me ! -------------------------- Mera bachcha mat banaao !
Yo, baby ! What's up ? ------------------ Beti Yo, uppar kya hai ?
Cool man ! ------------------------------ Thandaa aadmi !
Check this out, man ! ------------------- Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi !
Don't mess with me, dude. --------------- Mere saath gandagi mat karo, e vyakti.
She's so fine ! ------------------------- Who itnee baareek hai !
Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay !?- Suno dost, who chooza mera hai, theek ?
Hey good lookin; what's cookin ? -------- Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa rahee ho ?
Are you nuts ? -------------------------- Kya aap akhrot hain ?
Son of a gun. --------------------------- Bachcha bandook ka.
Rock the party. ------------------------- Party mein patthar feko.
How do you do ? ------------------------- Kaise karte ho ?
Lets hang out ! ------------------------- Chalo bahar latakte hain

Customer Care ----- Wrong Number

2007-11-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

Hilarious! BSNL service & faith of people on them... I'm watching my favorite show (Koffee With Karan ;)) on TV, when the phone rings.

There's a agitated lady on the phone.Lady: "Hello? BSNL? My phone has not been working for...."
Me (interrupting) : "I think you have the wrong number"
Lady: "Oh! I'm sorry..."
and I hang up the phone. 3 seconds later, it rings again. It's the samelady.
Lady: "Hello? BSNL? My phone is not working..."
Me: "Ma'am, the number you are dialing is the wrong number!", and hang up the phone.
I return to the TV show. It's a juicy episode with Rakhee Savant, and she's bitching about Kareena. And the phone rings again.
Lady: "Hello? BSNL? Listen, don't play games with me, OK? I know this is the right number. Don't try to avoid me. Do you know who I am?"
I realized that this lady was not going to let me watch the show unless someone listened to her complaint.
Me: "Welcome to BSNL's automated fault booking service. To continue in English, press one."
beep
The lady had actually pressed the '1' on her dial pad. Interesting. I thought I'd have some fun.
Me: "To register a complaint, please press the last 5 digits of your Driving License number after the beep. BEEP"
I can hear the lady furiously rummaging through her bag looking for her Driving License. After a while
beep-beep-beep-beep-beep
She had actually found it pretty fast.
Me: "Because of all the SPAM we have been receiving, we will now perform a check to see if you are human. Please enter the result of 35 multiplied by 4 divided by 12"
I can hear the lady shouting out to someone in the background.
Lady: "Prakash, quick! What is 35 times 4 by 12?"
Prakash: "What? Why do you need that?"
Lady: "I'm registering a complaint for our dead phone"
Prakash (sounding somewhat confused): "But why would you need..."
Lady: "JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION"
Prakash: "err..it's...aaaa...elevent point....errr..."
beep-beep
The lady actually enters 1-1 on the dial pad.
Me: "Your complaint has been registered. Thank you for calling BSNL"
The lady sounds pleased. I can hear her speaking to "Prakash"
Lady: "I like BSNL. They have such a high tech system. They didn't even have to ask me for the number of our landline that is dead. Cool!"
:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

KNOW YOUR CUSTOMER ......

2007-11-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

CAREFUL WHEN YOU CALL MCDucks Pizza SERVICE ...

How much you know your customer????
Operator : "Thank you for calling MCDucks/Karma . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]

Intelligent Sardar:::: More than MindBlowing....

2007-11-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

Thats what I call STRATEGY

2007-10-29T03:47:00.000-07:00

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a
lot of money to spend .

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he
manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign, . It says, "I have no work, a wife
and six kids to support."

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished
anything by giving you money.

You will still have no job and a large family.

Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks and Ahmed 's sign reads:

"I only need another £10 to move back to Afganisthan "

Anagram Fun !!!!!

2007-10-29T02:07:00.000-07:00

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Office Inspirational Posters ;)

2007-10-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Top 10 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself

Jokes :)

2007-10-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Banta ek sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."
---------------------------------------------------------------
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi
---------------------------------------------------------------
Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash ?"
---------------------------------------------------------------

Amazing One Liners ..................

2007-10-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. in a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. Its not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

Crazy Facts

2007-10-08T23:12:00.001-07:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
(may be even a chuckle)...

Great Definitions ...............

2007-09-30T00:37:00.001-07:00

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other .

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more ! popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on .

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......!

Divine Email from Hell

2007-09-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.

However he accidently typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile, somewhere in mumbai a widow had just returned home from her husband's funrel. The widow decided to check her mail,expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th oct 2006

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tommorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;

Look before you speak......

2007-09-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if i could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will eat all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, Madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

Moral: Gather all required information before working on any project...

How do you feel while Driving.................

2007-09-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!! Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are youCRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".

Night Classes

2007-09-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

The New Employment Slogans

2007-09-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If at first you don't succeed -- try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Divorce Letter

2007-09-08T06:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S . Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Reply by Wife::
Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

By all Means... MARRY!

2007-09-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

Funny Statements!!

2007-09-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

1. God is real, unless declared integer

2. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

3. Death is hereditary.

4. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

7. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

8. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come .

10. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

11. Well done is better than well said .

12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

13. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

14. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

15. Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

16. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

Divine Parrots ....

2007-09-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male alking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!"

Driving Licence Identification

2007-08-31T02:07:00.000-07:00

Driving licenses -- Great way to identify the owner.......................... Search for the tailor..........

Don’t copy if you can’t paste.

2007-08-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”. The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,”That woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t paste.

Hips Don't Lie

2007-08-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

In a South African Safari Jungle.................
Tiger kills a Goat and a Hipopotamus sees it.

Tiger asks Hippo : "Please do not to tell this to the attorney in the court, otherwise you may have to pay for it".
Hippo refuses by saying " I cant do this, i am destined to do it"

Tiger asks "why cant you lie to the Attorney in the court"..

Hippo says "Because Hip's Dont Lie".......

2007-08-21T23:22:00.001-07:00

Hi Pals, Try to pronounce the name of the place above....

This Maori mouthful translates into English as "the place where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, who slid, climbed and swallowed mountains, known as 'landeater,' played his flute to his loved one." I consider this a lean short-story.

Another Laugh Riot......

2007-08-19T04:29:00.001-07:00

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don ' t know maths.
Ted: You don ' t know my father!
............

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
............

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can ' t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It ' s mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn ' t say anything.
------------

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the sam e as your
brother ' s. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it ' s the sam e dog!

------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between ' unlawful '
And ' illegal ' ?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
" ' unlawful ' is when u do something the law doesn ' t allow and ' illegal ' is
A sick eagle."

------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean ' under water ' ?"
"They are all below ' C ' level"

2007-08-19T04:16:00.000-07:00

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!

Witty Indian Politician!!!!!

2007-08-19T04:11:00.000-07:00

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a Indian politician (Lallu Yadav).
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The IndianPolitician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1million, and we'll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars."

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

2007-08-19T04:09:00.001-07:00

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided , I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means " Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble "

MBA Logic!!!!!!1

2007-08-19T04:06:00.001-07:00

Ramsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every
thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came
home.
Rajiv: Ramsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Ram Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Ramsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Ram: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Ram: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Ram: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Ram: YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Ram: YES.
Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.
Ram: YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Ramsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees
Shyamsingh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Ram: How is your MBA preparation?
Shyam: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Ram: Oh, logic is easy.
Shyam: Please, give me an example.
Ram: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Shyam: NO, I don't.
Ram: Saala HOMO!!!

May I know the time please

2007-08-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose,if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will
definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.
Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea.
After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: made itThen I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles. ;)

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.

Marriage Sucks !!!!!!

2007-08-03T09:53:00.001-07:00

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

----------------------------------------------
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
--------------------------------- --------------------------------------------
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women and then he turns them into Wives.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Days :-)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage.
------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------
Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.

Weird Questions

2007-08-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

02.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

03.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

06.Can you cry under water? (let me try)

07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)

09.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help)

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes U can)

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?)

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Great Answer by future Scientists !!!!!!!!

2007-08-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

These are answers, some students have written in their exams...

* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

* The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

* When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

* Clouds are high flying fogs.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

* Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e,i, o and u."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa .."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

Jokes

2007-07-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Teacher: "What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----------

Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----------

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him
then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? "
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
------------ --------- --------- -------

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
------------ --------- --------- -------

Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs3/kg...Then, what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Law Of the Corporate Jungle

2007-07-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

LAW OF THE JUNGLE

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike.
His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"
I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".
Corporate world!!

Where to Tap??

2007-07-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster.

He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.

He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. " He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer .. $ 2.00
Knowing where to ......... $ 9998.00

********

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference .

Effective Communication........

2007-07-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example: Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation?!?

Popular English Proverbs which r CONTRARY in nature

2007-07-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

All good things come to those who wait. BUT Time and tide wait for no man.

The pen is mightier than the sword. BUT Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike. BUT Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free. BUT There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Slow and steady wins the race. BUT Time waits for no man.

Look before you leap. BUT Strike while the iron is hot.

Do it well, or not at all. BUT Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together. BUT Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them. BUT Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom. BUT Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes. BUT It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect. BUT All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden. BUT The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn. BUT You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. BUT One man's meat is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. BUT Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth. BUT Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. BUT Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Chanakya's Quotes - Worth Learning

2007-07-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

***************************************************
"A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and
Honest people are screwed first."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC 75 BC)

***************************************************

" Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC -275 BC)

***************************************************

"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. ! It will destroy you."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC )

***************************************************

"There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no
Friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth."

Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions -
Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful.
Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"Once you start a working on something, don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind.
But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"Whore s don't live in company of poor men, citizens never support a
weak company and birds don't build nests on a tree that doesn't bear fruits."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC )

***************************************************

"God is not present in idols. Your feelings are your god. The soul is your temple."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC )

***************************************************

"A man is great by deeds, not by birth."

Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status.
Such friendships will never give you any happiness."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next
five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a
friend. Your grown up children are your best friends."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC )

***************************************************

"Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC )

***************************************************

"Education is the best friend. An educated person is respected
everywhere. Education beats the beauty and the youth."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

***************************************************

Creative Thinking...............

2007-07-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

This actually an on-the-ceiling poster in an IT Company in Bangalore..........

Great Creative thinking ............ Helping the Smokers to say that they are tooo near to God.........

What is CMMI-Lx?? Japanese Perfection

2007-07-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

They're still laughing about this at a Big MNC :

Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

How do all Zodiacs Pray........ Good one

2007-07-22T04:58:00.001-07:00

ARIES (3/21-4/19): "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): "God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but
NOT YET."

GEMINI (5/21-6/20): "Yo God. (Or is it Goddess?).Who are you? What
are you? Where are You? How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you
out!"

CANCER (6/21--7/22) : "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so
much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security
blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO (7/23--8/22) : "Hi Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as
your kid!"

VIRGO (8/23--9/22) : "Dear God, please make the world a better place,
and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA (9/23--10/22) : "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for
myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO (10/23--11/21) : "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even
if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS (11/22--12/21) : "Oh almighty, all knowing, all loving,
all powerfull, omnipresent, everlasting GOD, if i hve asked u once,
i ve asked u a thousand times---- help me stop EXAGGERATING! !!!!!!!!!
!"

CAPRICORN (12/22--1/19) : "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I
guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS (1/20--2/18) : "Hi God! Some say you're a man.Some say you're
a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES (2/19--3/20) : "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this
last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my
inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.

Computer Programming Song (Hindi)..

2007-07-22T04:45:00.000-07:00

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING SONG

# Local variable
Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon,
pal do pal meri kahani hai
pal do pal meri hasti hai..

# Global variable
Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon
har ik pal meri kahani hai
har ik pal meri hasti hai.

# Null pointers
Mera jeevan kora kagaz
kora hi reh gaya.

# Dangling pointers
Maut bhi aati nahi
jaan bhi jati nahin.

# Goto
Ajeeb dastan hai yeh
Kahan shuru kahan khatam
Ye manzilen hain kaun si
Na woh samajh sake na hum.

# Two Recursive functions calling each other
Mujhe kuchh kehna hein
mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein
Pehle tum, pehle tum.

# The debugger
Jab koi baat bigad jaye
Jab koi mushkil pad jaye
Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.

# From VC++ to VB
Yeh haseen vaadiyan
Yeh khula asmaan
Aa gaye hum kahan.

# Untrackable bug
Aye ajnabi,
Tu bhi kabhi,
Awaaz de kahin se

Beest Desi Engleeesh.............

2007-07-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

The best english ever read ....... So if you understand it mail it back.......... and if you are not feeling well please visit the Doctor of this Camp.......

Twenty Funny Truths

2007-07-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Laugh Riots

2007-07-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

============ ========= ========= =========

Baithe tere khayalo mai,
kore kagazpe likha tera nam.
Tasvir B bana dali
or likha us par yah paigam.
Zinda ya murda,
pakdne waleko Rs.5000 inam

============ ========= ========= =======\

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

============ ========= ========= ========

Rules for board exam:
har sawal se dat kar ladna,
fekne me kami mat karna,
mouka mila to peche be dekhna,
or 1 bat yaad rakhna
aagawala ka paper apna samajhna.

============ ========= ========= =========

What is the height of mixed emotions???
when ur mother in law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes!!!!

============ ========= ========= =========
As by xperience my advice 4u friends-
have only one girl friend otherwise ur life will b very sad like me ,
1side Aishwarya puling me 4 cinema
other side Sania pulling me 4 Tennis
and kareena keeps sending luv messages 2 me!
Silly gals!Wat can i do?
Hey Wait.
I'm getting a call from katrina kaif....

============ ========= ========= =======

Height of Optimism...
Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies",
SARDAR Major: "Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction" !.

============ ========= ========= ========= =

Guy.-Do u know,wen i was a kid
so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed,but
now i want 2 kiss so many girls,but

they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS (Its my Fav.....)

============ ========= ========= ========= =
There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence.

YOU can kiss your Gal frd is confidence.
ONLY YOU can kiss ur Gal frd is over confidence.. ..
============ ========= ========= =========

Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the film GUIDE?
Coz Dev Anand says:
O mere humrahi,
meri baanh thame chalna,
badle duniya SARI,
tum na badalna.

2007-07-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
============ ========= ========= =========
Baithe tere khayalo mai,
kore kagazpe likha tera nam.
Tasvir B bana dali
or likha us par yah paigam. Zinda ya murda,
pakdne waleko Rs.5000 inam
============ ========= ========= =======\
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
============ ========= ========= ========
Rules for board exam: har sawal se dat kar ladna,
fekne me kami mat karna,
mouka mila to peche be dekhna,
or 1 bat yaad rakhna
aagawala ka paper apna samajhna.
============ ========= ========= =========
What is the height of mixed emotions??? when ur mother in law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes!!!!
============ ========= ========= ========= As by xperience my advice 4u friends-
have only one girl friend otherwise ur life will b very sad like me ,
1side Aishwarya puling me 4 cinema
other side Sania pulling me 4 Tennis
and kareena keeps sending luv messages 2 me!
Silly gals!Wat can i do?
Hey Wait.
I'm getting a call from katrina kaif....
============ ========= ========= =======
Height of Optimism...
Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies",
SARDAR Major: "Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction" !.
============ ========= ========= ========= =
Guy.-Do u know,wen i was a kid so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed,but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS (Its my Fav.....)
============ ========= ========= ========= = There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence. YOU can kiss your Gal frd is confidence. ONLY YOU can kiss ur Gal frd is over confidence.. .. ============ ========= ========= =========
Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the film GUIDE? Coz Dev Anand says:
O mere humrahi,
meri baanh thame chalna,
badle duniya SARI,
tum na badalna.